Can I just say that this pregnancy sucks. I’m not even at the end and I’m not really happy. I am not sleeping well and wake up all the time at night. Frequently to pee. This didn’t happen last time. I feel gypped. You are not sleeping well either. When my bladder is not the cause of my nocturnal wakefulness, it is because you are having nightmares and thrashing around in bed. This move was supposed to make our lives less stressful and more easy-going but it seems that your body didn’t get the memo. Either that or it is just taking your head a little while to catch up. Although maybe you have just found yourself some new worries…
Being a full-time dad still gives you cause for concern I think. You question whether you are doing a good job and whether you actually love it as much as you thought you would. I know you see purpose in the responsibility and you think it is a good thing for the kids but I think you have been unsure as to whether this was actually a good thing for you. You don’t get the male camaraderie that you have found in your previous jobs. And to a lesser extent, you don’t always get to have adult conversation throughout your day. You seem to think that you are more hardly done by than me because I supposedly had a mother’s group but I’d like to say that I actually know how you feel because I didn’t actually have the mother’s group. Not in the way that you mean. What saved my sanity was having a friend next door and you don’t have that now.
You do have a lot of mothers though. You are friendly with women who attend the playgroups and you’re not exactly hanging around the house like a bad smell going I’m bored, I need something to do. You are out with Genevieve a lot and you have come across other fathers in your travels. I know because you tell me that you have had other men give you the comment that what you are doing for your family is great and they wish they could do the same. Some of these conversations probably happen outside of business hours but I think its good that you are also hearing support for your decision rather than the dumbfoundedness of those that couldn’t contemplate not having paid employment. On the other hand, there are those that almost see your dedication to your family as an affront to the average Joe as most families cannot afford our arrangement. Which doesn’t go down well with you because you are not trying to be a hero or to show up other dads. You are just trying to be the best dad you can be for your children. And I happen to think that is a great one.
Anyway, this month also had its trials in us having a fuller house and an emptier house. We had visitors this month. Your father and your sister each came to stay and your mother and her partner came to visit. This was up against my going away for a few nights for work. You held the fort with Genevieve and Reuben whilst I took myself and Peanut down to Melbourne and up to Sydney to coordinate some events for work. This meant super early mornings to drop me off to public transport and long days for me which involved schlepping my stuff around. And pulling the tired and pregnant card to get home on a flight that was overbooked. It also involved a bit of guilt because I really enjoyed getting away. It was great to be able to go out to dinner, to not have to reason with a young child and to have a bed to myself. Actually, it was awesome to have a bed to myself. I was conscious of the fact though that as good as these little escapes were for me, it was at times twice as hard for you as you no longer had someone with which to tag team. You didn’t get a break, you were just on. You got to be a single parent. Which is super hard work. So I just wanted to say I recognise that. And thanks.
I also want to thank you for the work that you have been doing in the garden. You have been putting in some hard yards this month doing some weeding and general maintenance. There is still a lot of work that can be done (because basically our garden is so big, there will always be something that needs doing) but we’d like it to not get away from us. And I am still in no state to do it. I am pretty sure I am going to have to get into those roses but between the belly, work and the weather, that may unfortunately be later rather than sooner. Sigh.
Somewhat lackingly yours,
Your Loving Wife