Can I just say that this pregnancy sucks. I’m not even at the end and I’m not really happy. I am not sleeping well and wake up all the time at night. Frequently to pee. This didn’t happen last time. I feel gypped. You are not sleeping well either. When my bladder is not the cause of my nocturnal wakefulness, it is because you are having nightmares and thrashing around in bed. This move was supposed to make our lives less stressful and more easy-going but it seems that your body didn’t get the memo. Either that or it is just taking your head a little while to catch up. Although maybe you have just found yourself some new worries…
Being a full-time dad still gives you cause for concern I think. You question whether you are doing a good job and whether you actually love it as much as you thought you would. I know you see purpose in the responsibility and you think it is a good thing for the kids but I think you have been unsure as to whether this was actually a good thing for you. You don’t get the male camaraderie that you have found in your previous jobs. And to a lesser extent, you don’t always get to have adult conversation throughout your day. You seem to think that you are more hardly done by than me because I supposedly had a mother’s group but I’d like to say that I actually know how you feel because I didn’t actually have the mother’s group. Not in the way that you mean. What saved my sanity was having a friend next door and you don’t have that now.
You do have a lot of mothers though. You are friendly with women who attend the playgroups and you’re not exactly hanging around the house like a bad smell going I’m bored, I need something to do. You are out with Genevieve a lot and you have come across other fathers in your travels. I know because you tell me that you have had other men give you the comment that what you are doing for your family is great and they wish they could do the same. Some of these conversations probably happen outside of business hours but I think its good that you are also hearing support for your decision rather than the dumbfoundedness of those that couldn’t contemplate not having paid employment. On the other hand, there are those that almost see your dedication to your family as an affront to the average Joe as most families cannot afford our arrangement. Which doesn’t go down well with you because you are not trying to be a hero or to show up other dads. You are just trying to be the best dad you can be for your children. And I happen to think that is a great one.
Anyway, this month also had its trials in us having a fuller house and an emptier house. We had visitors this month. Your father and your sister each came to stay and your mother and her partner came to visit. This was up against my going away for a few nights for work. You held the fort with Genevieve and Reuben whilst I took myself and Peanut down to Melbourne and up to Sydney to coordinate some events for work. This meant super early mornings to drop me off to public transport and long days for me which involved schlepping my stuff around. And pulling the tired and pregnant card to get home on a flight that was overbooked. It also involved a bit of guilt because I really enjoyed getting away. It was great to be able to go out to dinner, to not have to reason with a young child and to have a bed to myself. Actually, it was awesome to have a bed to myself. I was conscious of the fact though that as good as these little escapes were for me, it was at times twice as hard for you as you no longer had someone with which to tag team. You didn’t get a break, you were just on. You got to be a single parent. Which is super hard work. So I just wanted to say I recognise that. And thanks.
I also want to thank you for the work that you have been doing in the garden. You have been putting in some hard yards this month doing some weeding and general maintenance. There is still a lot of work that can be done (because basically our garden is so big, there will always be something that needs doing) but we’d like it to not get away from us. And I am still in no state to do it. I am pretty sure I am going to have to get into those roses but between the belly, work and the weather, that may unfortunately be later rather than sooner. Sigh.
Somewhat lackingly yours,
Your Loving Wife
I’m feeling really big at the moment. Which is to be expected I guess but its also a little unnerving as I still have three months to go and already I am considering that I don’t have enough space to put you. Whenever I sit down at my desk I feel like my belly is just sitting smooshed up against my lap and as you still like to periodically kick me, this can get quite uncomfortable.
Sleeping is also getting more uncomfortable. This is not entirely your fault, or perhaps I should say due to you. Your dad has been really unsettled for last couple of nights and your sister, well she sometimes likes to visit me at 3am and then again at 6am. And I try to get as much sleep as I can in the middle as I hoik my belly over to lie facing one side and then the other in search of the ultimate comfortable spot.
I know that this really is going to get all that much better and the platitude is that its conditioning me for when I will be up several times a night feeding you but I am still desperately trying to cling to those full nights of sleep or at least the pretence of them. Getting those last remnants can be the difference between an extremely cranky mother bear and one who has the capacity to play mediator and kiss boo boos better. I wish I could say I am and will always be a patient mother but unfortunately for you kid, sometimes I am so not in the mood.
Will I always love you unconditionally? Yes. Will I always like you…? Well now this is one of those things that no one is supposed to admit to – probably not. I’m definitely getting to the end of that positive 2nd trimester. During the first, I remember thinking that this pregnancy better stick because I really didn’t want to have to go through it again. Then over the last couple of weeks I have had that small wonder – could I go a 3rd? This is all not so bad and babies are cute. I am now coming back around to good thing I was never planning on my family looking like the Brady Bunch!
Anyway, you caught me at a tired moment today but I might try and sneak in a nap tomorrow (even though your Granddad will be here) and then I will no doubt be much more positive.
This week was another week with travel and boy am I noticing my reduced capacity to carry things. This week I spent three days out of home and I was schlepping the camera bag to boot! I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have been carrying as much as I was being rather pregnant and all but that’s life. And it wasn’t particularly pleasant on Thursday night either. I had been doing so much running around that night that my feet literally stung for an hour after I had taken off my high heels and elevated them as I lay down.
I remember when I was pregnant with Genevieve that I was traipsing up and down the hallways of my office in three and a half inch heels and travelling to and from work via public transport each day. I may just be looking back through rose coloured glasses but I think I was fine up until I left work – there was just that matter of opening doors into my belly because I forgot that it was that big. I haven’t reached that stage with you yet but I’m definitely not as young and for want of a better word, fit, as I was last time.
I am once again having those moments though where I go to sidle past someone and then I stop and think that its really going to be a dumb idea because I am the same width front to back as I am side to side. Its very inconvenient. Just thought you’d like to know.
So you know how I said that as a second child, there would be things that just wouldn’t go the same way for you as they did for your sister? Well me writing for the last three weeks was one of them. Nothing major happened. No milestones were reached and the rest of life kind of crept in on my writing time…sorry about that.
But this was a big week for me. I have been lucky to generically work from home as I have been getting progressively more pregnant. Which basically means that I can wake up, wander down the hall to my office and wander out to the kitchen whenever I feel the need for food. I can break this up with a trip to the living room to eat lunch but overall, my day to day is not overly taxing. Which really has its cons as well as its pros such as the fact that anything further afield has the capacity to wipe me out. Such as a trip to Melbourne.
We had some client events this week and as a result, I needed to travel to Sydney first thing in the morning and then fly to Melbourne the next day. I was running up and down stairs and in and out of rooms that night as I helped facilitate the client event and then I flew back home so I could go and walk around Questacon with Genevieve and your Dad for my birthday. You know, before going out to dinner with the rest of my family. After all that, I was knackered.
Fortunately the venue in Melbourne was one that banned photography which meant that I didn’t have to schlep my camera bag with me as well because that bastard is heavy! I was struggling though. With the bags that I had and then all the running around, I was profoundly pooped by the time that the weekend came around. I had been puffed every time I had to climb a set of stairs and I probably consumed a number of things that I wasn’t really supposed to eat as well. Eating out of home when you’re pregnant and in company is tricky!
You have been in turns a complete turd and remarkably cute this month. Some of the time you have been extremely trying and my patience has worn thin. For example, you can take forever to go to the damn toilet! We are staring to make more of an effort to transition you out of nappies during the day and therefore encourage you to go to the toilet frequently and whenever you feel the need. Which you have taken to needing after you have gotten into bed at night.
You still wear nappies at night so it is so tempting to say no, you can’t get up, you have to stay in bed and the nappy will protect your sheets and jammies but I know I can’t. I let you get up and of course I have to come with you because you need an audience. Occasionally you need help too but generally you just want an audience and then we sit there…for a loooong time. During which period you will tell me things and I will ask you at least 5 times are you finished!?! Sometimes, during the day, you will hop on, do your business and hop right off again. Either as you balance on the adult seat, trying to support yourself with your arms so you don’t fall in, or as you deign to use the cushie child seat that we bought for you. Sometimes its not a drama or a long production but at other times…good Lord you can take forever girl!
Just like you can take forever to go to sleep. We have had nights recently where I have been sitting with you for over an hour waiting for you to pass out. I might read to you or just read to myself as you lie there staring at the ceiling. Sometimes its an ongoing litany from me of no talking, lie still, close your eyes as I try to reduce the input of stimulation in the hope that you will be unconscious sooner rather than later (I am reminded here of the Tim Minchin song that parents like their children more the close to death they look…). I don’t really get me time of a night though until you are out for the count so you are really cramping my evenings at the moment. You are also making an impact on the days when you decide that you really don’t want to leave wherever we happen to be. If we are at home, you don’t want to go to the shops. If we’re at the shops, you don’t want to go home and you go into a meltdown when we try to take you. I’m not sure if this is something residual from the house move and you’re still trying to find your comfort zone or you’re just being a threenager. It’d be really great if you could put a sock in it though.
And then you have been dressing up in your tutus and fairy outfits and doing your “ballets” for us at night. You dance and prance around with the biggest grin on your face and you have a ball. It doesn’t really matter what you dance to musicwise. Your father might put on “ballet goes pop” and you will sway around to modern songs played on instrumental piano. Lady Gaga is so much better without Lady Gaga…Sometimes you will actually get classical music and you will raise your arms up in the air and try to point your toes. And sometimes, your father will put on your new absolute most favourite song, Any Way You Want It by Journey and you will jump around the living room like a maniac singing and laughing. We think its hilarious and you obviously enjoy putting on a show. We figure we’re going to have to put you in dance lessons next year once you are 3. You’ve got really good rhythm and you get a real kick out of moving your body. You even have wedding dances as you continually want to “marry” your daddy. Apparently its fine for your dad to marry you as well as me and we can all get married as often as we want. Your dad thinks this is adorable and a sign that he must be doing something right. If you look up to him enough to want to do something special together which is what it really is for you, he is totally on board.
Then sometimes you just sing. It might be along to the Play School that we frequently have playing in the car or maybe just to yourself. Which is usually more entertaining as you have unique versions of a number of songs. Brother John for example. You favour the French version over the English (actually, I’m not sure if you know that there is an English one…) and sonnez les matines has morphed into summer ley de demon, which I just think is funny.