Work For A Living

Sculpture (1 of 1)Dear Job Applicant,

I got my first job when I was 16 years old and on the day that I started, my boss said something to me that I have never forgotten:

I am not here for your convenience, you are here for mine.

So ok, not the most inspiring of induction speeches. However, she did make a very valid point. And now, years later, I am absolutely dumbfounded at your collective behaviour. And at your assumptions. Really, I am. Because collectively, you are quite stupid.

Did you all have Lawnmower Parents that ploughed down everything in your path so that everything has come easy to you? Did they tell you that you were brilliant just as you are? Because I am sorry but that is a load of crap. You should be loved unconditionally, just as you are but this does not make you brilliant. It does not make you God’s gift to my firm and you are not above following some basic instructions. Do you even want the job?!?

When I put that job ad on Seek last week, the ad that (along with the general preamble about the job) asked for applications including a resume and cover letter to be sent to the office address, I used plain English. I wrote the address (inclusive of my name and job title for addressing purposes) in the format that you would write it on an envelope. By the nature of it appearing on a website, everything was typed so there could be no possible confusion from deciphering handwriting. I didn’t think it was a particularly complicated instruction…It turns out that it was akin to asking for the 12 labours of Hercules.

In the space of a week, I have had 21 applications delivered to the office. I have had 105 applications uploaded through Seek. Can’t you people read? You certainly can’t follow instructions. And then you ring me up to make sure that I have received your application (and you inevitably are one of the 105 idiots). Did it occur to you that I wanted to test if you actually took the time to read, understand and respond appropriately to the job ad? No, I guess not. You don’t think it could actually be considered to be a character strength if you are seen to pay attention and not go off half-cocked at a moment’s notice? No, why would you?

And then, within the 105 idiots, there are those of you that assume I was joking when I said that I wanted a cover letter addressing the criteria set out in the ad. My fingers just got a little happy as I was typing and put some extra words in there that I didn’t actually mean. It was an empty request apparently because one of those letters could never fulfil any real purpose. I mean your resume in and of itself should be sufficient, right? That alone should bowl me over with your brilliance…When I expressed that exceptional communication skills were mandatory for the job, why on earth would I want any visible evidence that you could in fact string a grammatically correct sentence together?

So if you’re not really interested in the job, if you think the cost of some paper, an envelope and a stamp is just too extravagant or if you think you are above responding to a potential employer in the manner requested, bully for you. But if you would honestly like to be considered for a new position in a great company, please don’t waste my time.

Yours sincerely,

The Person In Charge Of Putting Your Resume Forward

* Photo taken at Floriade this year


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