Thankfully there were no major calamities this month. No significant health issues. No big accidents. On the other hand, it still felt a little like a month in which we were just getting by. You have been trying to move back into regular exercise again which is good for the most part but you have not been able to lose most of your frustrations in a long run as you used to so you bring them home still and we snipe at each other. The work situation hasn’t exactly worked in our favour this month either.
I needn’t go into your feelings which are pretty much just as they have been. I on the other hand felt a little blindsided at the end of this month when I finally got the possibility of formalising my role. Perhaps stupidly, I had hoped that a new role and added responsibilities not to mention no previous wage revision for three years might result in an improved situation. I was wrong. I got what I felt was a clear message that they were not interested in negotiating. At all. In addition to which it was pointed out that if I didn’t want to accept the new terms, they would shop the role out. Then it was mentioned that that they had in fact done me a favour by not going out to the market first which kind of insinuates that I wouldn’t be a successful applicant if they did. Way to make me feel warm and fuzzy. When I tried to push the discussion further I got told that of course I would get more money when I went up to four days from three. Which wouldn’t have been either here or there I guess if it was just about the money.
When I came home and communicated this to you, we ended up in an argument. You think I don’t stand up for myself and that I under value myself constantly. And maybe I do. I wonder whether I am being naive and my performance is somehow sub-standard. I wonder whether the lack of respect I feel is merely a selfish affectation and my expectations are unreasonable. I start to question whether I have acquitted myself with grace and if my current dilemma is really all my fault. And then I look at other points and think I can’t be that crazy.
Not totally ignoring the fact that as one half of it, you would have to say that I have totally contributed to my own situation, I see that what they are asking me to do is accept a new role on a trial basis for three months with the promise of a wage review at six. Not the promise of a particular wage, not the promise of a ballpark, not actually the promise of any more money whatsoever, just the discussion. That is not an unheard of situation, I know, but it does mean that you have to trust the company and trust yourself. If you are put in this position never having worked for the company before, perhaps it’s easier to trust. My current manager professed to be in this very situation. After four years though…I’m not convinced that if I accept now I will be in a better position in six months and that’s the rub.
You have wanted me to resign for ages. Initially because it was so far away but now because it may not be the best thing for our family. Up until this point, I have been adamant that I wanted to stay. I believe in the company and I like what I do. I really like the people too but I am starting to come around to the idea that it might not be enough. I don’t want to leave but given everything they have told me they want (and everything I currently want – in my relationship as well as the bank), I’m not sure that I fit in any more. I’m confused. I’m conflicted. I’m also scared that if I can’t fit in here, is it even possible for me to fit somewhere else.
Some people believe that the secret to happiness is being grateful for what you have. I have a job. At least right at this moment. Many people don’t. I also have a home, a husband, a child, family, friends, support and a whole host of other things I should be more grateful for right now. Maybe it’s time for some big changes. Maybe they should be for what is currently outside the home and just maybe, they should be for what is inside.
You printed out an article the other day from a woman who claimed that she should try to treat her husband as she would a dog, a child and as she would many other relationships in her life. The twist was that it was not in a negative sense. She would treat a dog with kindness and give clear, simple instructions not a monologue. Likewise she would treat a child with patience and forbearing not frustration and demands. You printed this out because it resonated with you but you are not the only one.
I need to work on my communication skills because then, for better or worse, I’d probably be more likely to be on the same page as those around me. You have asked me in the past to be more patient with you but I think that I need a little bit of that too at the moment. I don’t know what the future looks like any more. And I wouldn’t be surprised if what I think it looks like today is completely different to how it is tomorrow. I guess we’ll soon find out though. I’m very glad you are along for the ride though.
Your Loving Wife
* Photo taken at this years Medieval Fayre – nothing says modern meets medieval like the jousting knight with the GoPro!