It Sucks To Be You

Reuben Cone

Dear Reuben,

The opening of the movie Marmaduke has Owen Wilson’s voice talking about the feelings of ignominy associated with being someone who “doesn’t fit in”. He talks about being a kid in high school and then he says “If you think that being a big awkward teenager is about the worst thing that can happen to you, try being a 200 pound dog with a radar dish on your head!”. I guess you can relate to that. Only in your case, you’re kind of closer to 110 pounds and it was not easy to get off.

For the second time you needed to go to the vet for eye surgery and to make sure that you didn’t undo all the good doctors work, we had to stop you from scratching your stitches. Which sucked for you but it was kind of funny for us. Every time you would go to eat or drink, you would bend down and the buster collar would slide up your neck and then land on the floor. It was like this little cone of silence descended over your head. Your own kind of privacy screen. Or a kind of blinker set in one. Your field of vision was drastically diminished.

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We would watch you lose your ball by your feet constantly because you couldn’t see it when you stood up. Then, when you sat down, you found it much harder to play with your toys. You tend to paw things to get them in just the right spot to chew them but the collar sat over your paws and under your mouth. So it was kind of like asking someone to eat a meal with their hands tied behind their back. It looked pretty silly but you kept on trying. On the plus side though, when you did get it in your mouth and you tipped your head back, if they slipped out, there was nowhere for the balls to go except back towards your mouth.

It wasn’t as if you didn’t get a little of your own back on us though. Your spacial awareness is not actually the most brilliant on the planet and being further incapacitated by the big bit of plastic around your head, you would bash into every door jam, gate and person that you could. Neighbourette’s pregnant belly was in your way? Simple, just keep pushing straight past it and it’ll probably move. You seem to be caught on the baby gate? Not to worry, you’re pretty strong and you can probably just knock it over. From me to you, that got old real quick.

I promise though that it won’t be long before things go back to normal and you’ll be free again. Till then, try not to be so impatient.

Yours Sincerely,

That Lady You Let Live In Your House

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