Baby Bondage

easysuit

Dear Bonds,

What the hell? I tried to put an “easysuit” on my two-month-old today and it was one of the most complicated clothing moments I have had as a new parent so far. And my child is a girl so some of her outfits are a bit fussy. So I want to know – am I missing something? Is there some knack to it? Was there an instructional video I missed? Did I not watch the tv ads close enough?

In theory, the easysuits are a great idea. No buttons, no press studs, no zips and no ribbons or ties either. Just elastic. A onesie that splits horizontally at the rear so you can pour the upper body of the infant into the top half and feed their legs into the bottom. A onesie that means checking for a dirty diaper does not entail completely pulling off the lower part of the garment, you can just peek down the opening at the back. All the benefits of a top and bottom set and a onesie combined. Only not. Because they are bloody awkward.

Who designed this abomination? I bet it was a man. A man who has never seen a baby, only a child’s rag doll. No woman in her right mind would design something so stupid. Lets think about it for a minute. Would you choose an outfit that entailed you having your feet up near your ears just so you could get it on? Would you buy something for your child that you yourself couldn’t get into (in the appropriate size of course)? Why make them suffer for your ineptitude?

In the interest of giving it a fair go, I persevered, first inexpertly managing to get the top of the outfit on my infant like a tshirt. The bottom though was a real challenge. I know newborns are extremely flexible, and small, but when it takes both of my hands to guide a tiny foot into a leg hole, let alone stretch the easysuit so I can get my baby’s foot close to the leg hole, my child’s other limb is left flailing at an odd angle and pulling her little body away from where I want it to be. But maybe I was supposed to put the bottom on first?

If that was the case however, since she doesn’t yet have the ability to sit up by herself, I can only envisage a distressing episode where I try to roll my child from the top down to get her head through the neck hole. Which would then mean that the garment was anchored from the neck and the feet in front of her body and I would still have to maneuver her hands and arms into the appropriate holes to get the easysuit on properly. That doesn’t seem all that logical to me either.

So I am confused. What is “easy” about this suit? When she ends up crying and I end up frustrated, it hardly seems worth the effort in the end. It would also be completely and utterly pointless to try and get one either on her or off her when she was asleep because she sure as hell wouldn’t be that way after I had finished. I’d ask for my money back except that the easysuit in question was a hand-me-down. It was hardly worn when I got it though and now I know why!

So why don’t you do parents a favour in future and stick to what you do best. Most of your baby clothes are great. The easysuits however should be consigned to purgatory.

Yours sincerely,

An irritated mother

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