You know when at the end of last month you told me to let you know if I thought you were over-committing yourself? Well I think that just maybe this second job is taking a little too much of your time, because this month has been…occasionally difficult. I worry about you, you know? I love the fact that you enjoy working with the staff there and generally come home happier after 8 hours at the cafe than you do coming home from 8 hours at your day job. I like the fact that this means I get some time to myself in the house to listen to, watch or read anything I enjoy that I know you won’t. I also think its great that you want to do this to pull in a bit of extra money since the baby will be here soon but…I miss you too.
I’ve watched you work almost three weeks straight, coming home long enough to change and maybe have a shower or fall into bed exhausted at night only to get up and do it all again the next day. I’ve watched you burn the candle at both ends which leaves you emotionally absent even when you’re physically here and I’ve watched you suffer physically. The constant state of perpetual motion leaves your body no down time to recuperate which in turn makes you susceptible to illness and poor health. Even more so than your previous stress levels seemed to allow for before.
Its perhaps selfish but I’m conscious that you don’t seem to have the time for me anymore. I’m worried that in a month or so’s time when I really will need you that you won’t be ready and our enlarged family may not have a terribly auspicious beginning. At the same time I know that you will move heaven and earth to be there for me and that you want to be present and hands on for everything so its not as if you won’t “be” there at all but I begin to wonder if your state of “being” would be better if you had a little more work life balance than you do now. I hate feeling like I’m telling you what to do though. You didn’t really discuss with me what shifts you were initially going to take on and then later, you told me what was offered which seemed more like information than a discussion point.
I’m struggling here not to make it sound like you just came out and said I’m doing this regardless or any shifts I do are not up for discussion because you didn’t do that at all. Its more like you have a way of communicating things at times that carries with it the attitude that “this is what I think” and then I’m very conscious about how I try to communicate with you that “I don’t think the same way” without sounding uber critical, dictatorial or generally like I’m crapping all over your ideas. Again. I know you like that I bring you down to earth sometimes but I don’t really enjoy being bad cop. You’d think I would because it appears to be something that I am quite good at however I don’t always want to be the nay-sayer. I did let you know though that I thought working 7 days a week was possibly not the best idea so hopefully when thats no longer the case, things will get better.
So work has been a pretty major part of this month. You have had a second job to go to and I have been trying to figure out what loose ends I can tie up and how I can hand over the various tasks in my role when I go on maternity leave. Which still seems a little easier said than done. Already I have had the reaction (and more than once I might add) that “oh my God, you do like 10 different jobs!” which is of course untrue. Its highly likely though that I do 10% of 10 different jobs which is great if you’re me and could never figure out what you really wanted to specialise in but a little inconvenient if you’re trying to pidgeon hole the role or mould it into something you can actually put a real job description against. Something that never happened in the 2 ½ years I have worked so far for the company. I am endeavouring to finish the task however, even if it makes for some long days.
Apart from that, there were a few other small notables such as the short notice gig I got photographing a ballet fairy party. We got caught in a bad traffic jam on the way there, the weather was terrible (it rained) and its highly likely that I undersold myself cause I hate the business end of photography but I really did enjoy getting out and taking photos again. Something I got to do at Sculptures By The Sea as well. You were patient with me on both occasions and tried really hard not to hurry me along when you’d had enough so I want to say thank you for that. You were my pack horse at the fairy party and you had the puppy to handle amongst the crowds at Bondi but this is one of the areas where you indulge me as you have no particular interest and it doesn’t go unnoticed. So, thanks.
We also bought a car which sounds like it should be really big news but to me it feels a little more like something we just had to check of the list. We (or probably more accurately you) have been looking on and off for ages. We both knew that the Astra would not accommodate a baby and a great dane let alone the paraphernalia that goes along with both of them when you have to go away for a weekend (let alone clothes etc for us) but nothing seemed to click for both of us. Then we found something that did. I’m pretty sure its what neither of us ever envisaged wanting to own and as its a people mover, its hardly the sexiest thing on the road but it works and we both like it which you must admit, is pretty rare for us and cars.
And then, you know, I had a birthday. It wasn’t a big deal and nor did I particularly want it to be this year. Being pregnant and tired easily takes its toll and I was more than happy to postpone my “official” birthday dinner in favour of an early meal with my cousin and a friend on the actual day because you had a shift. It was nice to have a sort of girls night on my real birthday and then on the last day of the month, head out to a nice restaurant where you managed to polish off an entire bottle of wine and chase it with a free beer that my membership provided. Unfortunately for you, the place where we belatedly considered having dessert was no longer making the particular dish you wanted to sample again but I say at least you got to sample it in the first place.
On the day that we actually got the car, you decided that we needed to “go” somewhere in it and dessert seemed as good a reason as any to head out so we tried out a new place for which you had seen favourable reviews. It was one of those family run places where everything is “homemade” and they only use the best ingredients. The menu is quite limited and they apparently change it every fortnight or so depending on whats in season (or what they feel like). It was kind of like a date night for us and, don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy the food but you, you had an experience. Which was the third such experience I have seen you enjoy in the 4 or so years that we have been together. First was the long black at Pablo and Rusty’s that you had the day after we returned from Egypt, second was the deboned spatchcock with barley and cous cous we ate at Delicados for our second wedding anniversary and this recent night it was the nut and date tart with marscapone cream at 42 Bannerman which was perhaps all the more notable because it was in fact a dessert. Of the two of us, I am the one with the sweet tooth.
I can’t remember anything else of note to write at this time. I can only assume at this point that at the end of next month, our lives will change dramatically which would make this the penultimate month and possibly somewhat of a cruisy time in comparison. Of course, we could also find that early December will hold the “B” day and next month will be our final chance for us to actually have “us” time for a while. Either way, I am hoping that the following month also sees us grow and improve and share and well, both of us working a little less would be nice too.
Your Loving Wife
* Photo taken at this year’s Sculptures By The Sea