Month Thirty-Eight

Dear Husband,

Once again I cheated and I didn’t write this letter right at the end of the month like I should have. What can I say? Life got in the way. I did note down things that I wanted to say however. Especially what you told me right at the end of the month.

As you may recall, this month was my godmother’s 60th birthday. A birthday that we had known about for months and had planned to travel down to Canberra to attend. Which was fine. What I wanted to record for posterity had nothing to do with our attendance. It actually had more to do with after the party. Since we’re a little pushed for cash at the moment (with the baby and all), as far as I was concerned, the fact that we travelled interstate, arranged for a dog-sitter for the puppy and I fully intended to give her the photos that I wanted to take at the party would excuse the fact that we had not bought an actual present. I also figured that these things would be sufficient to serve as a gift from both of us. I’m a terrible god-daughter, I know. You decided however that you wanted to do your own thing.

This is also fine. I think its great that you get along so well will all my family, extended and otherwise. I love that you personally want to do things for them. I was proud to watch you go out of your way to help people you didn’t know to be comfortable and I saw you help clean and pack away a party you were invited to as a guest which shows a great generosity of spirit. I also thought it was a really lovely gesture that you wanted to donate more of your time to go and help out in my godmother’s garden the next day because you knew she had a few big jobs pending…like digging up a tree…roots and all. So what I wanted to mention is not meant to take away from all these gestures which you performed with pleasure and without regret or begrudgement. It is merely meant to highlight to you that sometimes I may do things you don’t like with your best interests at heart.

As you cast your mind back to those days, you may also recall that you were exhausted by the end of the long weekend. There had been lots of manual labour, nights with interrupted sleep (its hardly surprising how inconvenient it is when a 50kg dog decides that where he’d really like to be sleeping is on your bed and you’re in the way thank you very much) and generally not a lot of down time for you as Canberra isn’t “home”. So while we were on the way back to Sydney, you asked me to let you know in future if I ever thought you were over-committing yourself. If you ever seemed to bite off more than I thought you could chew, you wanted me to pull the reigns back in before you went full speed ahead and for me to let you know that you might be making an error in judgement or as I like to put it, you wanted me to crap all over your ideas. Again.

We have had a lot of discussions about this phenomenon. Typically I am more practical in nature and you are more of a dreamer. We tend to balance each other out on the whole however so I think it works. I still haven’t quite mastered a way to bring you back towards earth if I feel you’ve gone off into orbit on some seemingly expansive tangent though. This tends to mean that whenever I try to point out potential roadblock in your plans, you get very defensive and accuse me of “crapping all over your ideas”. Especially if they were just ideas….So even if it never happens again and you change your mind about whether you’d like me to make you aware of any possible pitfalls within your plans, just remember that when I clarified whether in fact you meant you wanted me to “crap all over your ideas” if I thought you were over-committing yourself you said “no…but yeah”.

The rest of the month was taken up with the general day to day which for the both of us is still work. Although for you, there is a little more work than there was before. In an effort to get a bit of extra cash, you have started to do casual shifts at one of your favourite cafes. I was a bit surprised at first that you wanted to do cafe work however I was much more for this idea than the pizza delivery driver job that you briefly considered doing every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. For starters, you seem to find it much easier to commit to things that you actually enjoy – like the people and the atmosphere at this cafe. I know the initial impetus behind the new job was more money but when you hate what you’re doing, it doesn’t tend to affect your personality in a positive way. At all. No matter how much money is involved. You talk big occasionally my dear husband but at the end of the day, you’re quality of life is much more important to you than the cost of the things you can afford to put in it which is really fair enough.

So you started at the cafe which was a plus I think but you seem to be getting sick again which is not so good. You always seem to have a blistering headache or a sore throat or your stomach is unsettled etc. Rather than the exception to the rule, you seem to be suffering from something quite frequently now. I wish I knew how to make it all go away. You’re a lot more subdued and withdrawn when you’re in pain or unwell but you never seem to get fully back on deck. I don’t know whether you’re pushing too hard, its just a bad season or you need a holiday. You’ll sort of get one of those in December. Although maybe a number of sleepless nights with a newborn won’t really seem like much of a holiday. Button and I both want you to be well though cause we’re gonna need you soon to stop me overanalysing things or getting stressed about the small stuff. I’d like to think I’ll be relaxed and chilled but I have been accused before of being a little pedantic so I’m sure there’s going to some room later for a “take a deep breath and calm the hell down”! You know, said in a nice way of course.

Ever yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at last year’s Sculptures By The Sea

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