I Have Just The Thing For You

Dear Car Salesmen,

Yes, I know that by addressing this to you en masse I am lumping you all in the same bucket. I also know that really, it is only a specific number of you that give the rest a bad name. I will admit that in the past weeks I have met a number of lovely salesmen whom I believe are not completely full of shit but then, even the best of you would have to admit that some of you really are pretty stupid. Either that, or you think we are. Which in my book, kind of makes you stupid anyway.

Take Mr Car City for example. Upon us asking you the ticket price on a car that was clearly unmarked with flashy neon signs and absent of the usual paperwork that sits on the passenger visor, you wandered over to the car. You opened the driver’s door, poked your head in and looked around for about 5 full seconds before pulling your head out and telling us it was around $19,990. Wow, you can value a car that fast? From the driver’s door? That’s pretty talented. What? You’re one of those salesmen who does in fact know their stock well and you were just familiarising yourself with the vehicle to make sure you were giving us the correct price? Well, we might have been able to go with that if you didn’t completely undermine your position by confirming with your colleague who answered without a moment’s hesitation that it was in fact several thousand higher than the figure previously advised to us. And that was before you tried to excuse the fact that you were an idiot by saying that the car had only come into the yard several days prior. A fact which my husband found a little hard to swallow as he believed that the car hadn’t moved from its position (right up the back of the lot) in the three weeks since he had last seen it.

Then there was Mr Auto Alley who was all smiles when he was asking us about what kind of cars we were looking at buying. We spent some time explaining that our search was not so much around a budget or a specific make or model but rather the requirement for room in the back for a car seat and room in the boot for a dog. Finding room for a car seat is relatively simple but finding room for the dog is not. We have a very big dog so in addition to the width and depth of the boot space, we are also looking for height. Like 90cm and above kind of height. We are also looking at older cars that are more likely to have a squarish kind of space rather than one in the newer style which appears to mean aerodynamically tapered off. We explained that we had a Great Dane. We thought that was sufficient. Mr Auto Alley then told us that he had helped many families with large dogs find suitable vehicles and went on to point out about 4 cars that were completely unsuitable. What part of “Great Dane” don’t you understand? In the scheme of things, this is not a “large” breed dog, this is a “giant” breed dog. Have you ever tried to find a suitable car for a full grown Great Dane or Irish Wolfhound? I think not. So perhaps you should do us a favour and shut up till you know what you’re talking about.

This is something that I dearly wished to tell Mr Used Car Yard as well when my husband informed me of his idea. Whilst my husband was out looking at cars alone, he tried to have a similar conversation with Mr Used Car Yard where he explained our requirement for use of the back seat plus the requirements for height and length in the boot space but this particular individual had a new suggestion for us. “Have you ever considered getting rid of the dog? That’d widen your options”. Well of course it would you wanker but quite frankly, no, we hadn’t considered getting rid of the dog. Since you mention it though, removing of one of the requirements may indeed fix the problem but to be fair, we did get the dog before I got pregnant so maybe you’d like to recommend that I get an abortion instead? No? Even so, I may only get pregnant again and then we’d have the same problem wouldn’t we so maybe you’d like to suggest that my husband get rid of his wife. That’d really widen up the options wouldn’t it? The front passenger seat would then be up for grabs.

So it would appear that we are either dickhead magnets in car yards or just unlucky enough to have found all these specimens of stupidity. Since we’re not done car shopping yet, I’m hopeful that I don’t run into too many more of you. But then again, sometimes there are those moments that just make you smile. Like when we went back to car city and found the office unattended and the car we were interested in unlocked. Since we needed to make sure that the dog would fit and since he was with us at the time, we may have put him in the back of the car and may have left a few paw prints for our troubles…oops.

Yours,

The Family Dog Owners.

* Photo apparently taken by Martin Usborne which I shamelessly stole from this website (this is not my dog – I do not own a harlequin).

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