Navel-gazing Nine

Dear Button,

Sparky and I visited a baby store on the weekend and I’d just like to say “Holy Crap!”. You are not allowed to use such language by the way. At least not until you’re like 27. You can use “jeepers” or Gigi’s favourite “Schweppes” but anything stronger than that and…I will be very disappointed in you. So anyway, we went to the baby store and there are a bazillion things that are all supposedly must haves. For women who have let hormones smother their brain cells. Some of the merchandise I’ll grant you is kind of important. Car seats for one. It is illegal for you to be without one in a car until you are 7 apparently. Some sort of bed is also fairly important cause you’re not sharing mine I’m afraid. But then it ranges to things that are so not necessary.

Some of them are probably quite convenient I will concede. We saw an appliance that lets you both steam your vegetables and puree them in the one container. I think I could find a use for something like that. I don’t think I could find the bench space or the money but if those were not an issue, I could see the merit in owning one of those. What I simply cannot see the point in, is baby knee pads. What the hell? You won’t ever move fast enough or fall hard enough to require baby knee pads. Not unless we’re throwing you around and then you’ve got more problems to worry about than sore knees. And why would you want something that is going to make learning to get around even more difficult? That is plain stupid. This is just a way to scam over-protective parents out of money.

Cause if you’re going to go down the knee pad route, why not invest in a padded helmet? You know, something that looks like the boxing masks. Something to protect you every time you do a face plant or lift your head up too quickly under a coffee table. To save a bit of cash, you can tie a pillow to your baby’s backside to cushion their fall when they plop on their butt however you may want to invest in gloves or mittens cause you could get them made out of Kevlar so they’d never get hurt touching anything sharp or get them in a heat resistant material so they’d never get burnt if they touched the stove. Wrist guards would of course be additional and essential because we all know it’s a natural instinct to use our hands to brace…What, they don’t make all this stuff already? Why not? Then again, you could just invest in a padded box and never let your baby out because it equates to about the same thing. I promise we won’t do that to you.

I think it is a good idea to be mindful of the dangers and pitfalls around. I also think it’s a good idea to train your kids to be mindful of the dangers and pitfalls around. Its amazing how much exposure is not a problem when there is some common sense involved. Women all over the world have been raising self-aware and able bodied children without the aid of baby knee-pads for hundreds of years. I’m not about to go against the flow now.


N.B. it was brought to my attention after I wrote this that there are some infants that are really slow to walk and toddlers who are still avid crawlers have the tendency to cut up their knees to the state of bleeding. Those are the kids that might need knee pads. Every other kid with them is stuck with stupidly uber protective parents.

* I would credit the image if I had the faintest idea of who owns it.


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