Dear (hypothetical) Button,
So I am one of those women that doesn’t need to do everything in life with her husband. Obviously, certain things actually require his presence. Conception being one of them. Ok, yes I know “technically” its not so much presence as essence that is required (you’re probably having an “ew” moment right about now, huh?) but go with me here. I am assuming however that if I get to find out that I am increasing shall we say, it will be first by peeing on a stick and he so doesn’t need to be there for that. He doesn’t need to follow me into the bathroom and I don’t need to take anything with pee on it out of the bathroom (you should have seen the trouble I got into when I had to give the doctor stool samples and I had to keep them cold (inside their jar inside a ziplock bag). It’s a wonder he’ll even use the fridge any more. And having said that, maybe none of my friends will ever eat at my house again…
Anyway, where I was going with this is if he doesn’t find out when I find out then I get to tell him. And that thought led to how would I like to tell him. I would want to avoid the more kitsch options like writing him a note or a card and addressing it to Daddy. I did toss up whether to make it a passing statement – “I’m going to have to work late this Friday so I won’t be around for dinner and by the way I’m pregnant but we’ll chat later, yeah?” – and then waltz out the door. I thought that might deprive me of watching him struggle to form a reaction however so I came up with some options where I might get something else out of it as well:
- Can you please sort out what is going on with our wardrobes or lack thereof? You now have a deadline of 7 months or you’re on the couch. I’m folding all the clothes on your side of the bed and the baby gets his or her own room.
- You know how I keep telling you that we need a new couch if I get pregnant? Well, we need a new couch.
- I’ve been thinking and I decided that it’s a good time for you to go on a diet and maybe cut back on your alcohol a little because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one in this household who has to miss out on food they like over the next 8-9 months.
- If you think I’m about to rush out and spend over 8 grand on an outdoor awning (even on deferred payment) then you have another think coming. I’ll tell you what though, if you do the math and you think we can afford it after the cot, the car seat, the highchair, the change table, the clothes, the nappies, the toys and maybe the new car then you be my guest.
What do you think?
* I would credit the image if I had the faintest idea of who owned it.