One Plus Two Equals Lots


Dear Husband,

You may think that even though I did maths at college, I must not be very good. Either that or you think you’re protected by a bubble and I don’t talk to the neighbours. Either way, I sadly have to inform you that you are wrong and you are so busted.

As background to my story, I’ll take you back to last week when you told me that you wanted to get someone in to do the garden so it would look cared for whilst we were away over Christmas. Actually no, I now wish to digress a moment to mention the following:

  • You wanted the yard to look tended so people wouldn’t think that we were away but had lovely stuff to knock off. This was under the guise of being security conscious yet recently, at about 10:30pm each night when we go to bed, you have been unlocking and relocking the car from the bedroom. Just to make sure its secure. Now I don’t care much about the burned CD’s and the crappy GPS you are locking in and we have insurance on the car so if it makes you feel better, go for it, but personally I think that the car beeping unlocked and locked at the same time each night kind of announces to the neighbourhood that we think we have stuff for the stealing…but perhaps that’s just me?

Back to my previous story however, you asked if you could spend $50 that we hadn’t budgeted for over Christmas so you could not do the physical labour on your day off. At least that was the impression I got. Mowing the yard was a big job and you didn’t want to have to do it before we went away. I’d say what would you think if I decided to start taking all our clothes to a laundry service or hiring a housekeeper for the next few months to do the dishes but I’m almost afraid that you’d try to find a way to make it work rather than be horrified by the laziness of it.

Anyway, I caved and said that you could hire the gardener if you first got rid of the garden waste that was already in the yard because that was easier than dealing with you sulking. You told me that you would ask my aunt and uncle if you could borrow the 4wd and the trailer (which I refused to do on account of the last time you had me ask, you changed your mind at the last minute and I inconvenienced them for nothing). But then what happened next? The $50 we didn’t have blew out to $100 that we didn’t have either when you got the garden people to quote on removing the waste and taking it to the tip as well as mowing and edging the lawn. I shouldn’t have been surprised really, but fool that I am, I was.

You assured me though that this solution was actually cheaper than you doing the work yourself what with petrol and tip fees etc. You promised me that you’d take the dog for a long walk with all the time you’d save not driving around everywhere and it was easier not to be the bad guy so I said sure. And when I got home, the yard did look good. The waste was gone and it was all neat and tidy. The dog had been on a walk and you even had a gift for me – you had cleaned up the garage in my absence. Something I have been bugging you to do for ages! I thought this was awesome. You were kind of in a crappy mood when you picked me up however which was a bit disappointing. It was not until the next day that I got the rest of the story…

You had to go next door in order to borrow the trolley to assist in cleaning the garage. When you asked to borrow said trolley however, you also had to mention why you wanted it. As I’m kind of bad at remembering exact dialogue (and this conversation came to me second hand as it was), it amuses me to remember it as follows:

You:       Would I be able to borrow the trolley for a couple of hours?
Neighbourette: Sure, why do you need it?
You:       I’m going to clean up our garage so we can actually find stuff in there.
N’ette:   (surprised laughter) Oh my god, your wife will be thrilled! She has been wanting your garage to be sorted out for ages.
You:       (a little awkwardly) Yeah, well it was about time I got around to it…I figured it was my share.
N’ette:   (more surprise) Your share? Out of all of the household chores that you and your wife perform regularly, you think “cleaning the garage” is your share??
You:       (grudgingly and somewhat under your breath) Well I didn’t say it was a 50/50 share…

Sorry, that cracked me up. The idea that you felt a little on the back foot from what the neighbour said amused me. As did the confession that the housework is perhaps not split between us 50/50. I’m sure that little interlude did not put you in a good mood. It only amused me further however to hear that you went back later in the day and tried to tell a stay at home mother of two that you were tired cause you hadn’t sat down all day…Amused that is until I started adding things up.

You dropped me at the station around 7am and you picked me up around 6:30pm. The gardeners arrived at around 3pm and you went to ask Neighbourette and the kids if they’d like to accompany you on your walk with the puppy at around 5:40pm. This was 20 minutes before you should have known full well that they’d be eating dinner therefore making it quite impractical that they’d join you. You apparently proceeded to sit on their floor for 25 minutes or so to have a chat before going on your walk. You admitted to me that cleaning the garage took you a “couple of hours” so let say 3 to be generous and as far as I can make out, that is what you did that that day.

So all together, I was away for 11 ½ hours during which you spent 3 hours cleaning, no more than 2 ½ hours supervising/assisting the gardeners (you said you helped load up the waste), at least a half an hour and probably a whole one talking to Neighbourette and about 15 minutes (which didn’t impress me) walking the dog (you also needed to spend time in transit to pick me up before 6:30pm). The wife – 11 ½ hours away, the husband – less than 7 hours accounted for yet you hadn’t had any down time all day? What were you doing for the other 4 ½ hours? It doesn’t take you that long to feed either yourself or the dog!

Curiously yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Sculptures By The Sea

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