Month Twenty-Five

Dear Husband,
My goodness you were in a bad mood this month…for at least half of it. I honestly don’t know what kept pushing you out of the wrong side of the bed every morning because it wasn’t me. I was the one tiptoeing around you trying to stay out of the line of fire! There have been times previously where you have been down or frustrated or worried but this month, its like you were angry, although I’ve no idea at what. It got bad enough that I tried to talk to you about it a couple of times. I also contemplated paying for a “multi” ticket again so I could start catching the bus to and from the train station. This would mean that you could relax at home for longer and wouldn’t need to bring and fetch me every day. And give me pissed Dear Husband in the car…
To be honest, I am clueless as to where this came from. You were in your new job so it wasn’t about being unemployed. And I’ve seen you come home from some jobs that you absolutely hated to be at so it wasn’t the job itself either. We weren’t really doing anything all that different to previous months…hanging with the neighbours on the weekends, going to the shops once in a while etc…and there was nothing else majorly wrong with the house that would have stressed you out so I don’t know where the anger came from. Maybe I completely missed something of which I really should have been aware?? It seemed to have subsided towards the end of the month but then maybe thats because being ill took over?
I swear, you feel sick more than any other person I know. Either any little ailment you have is one that you multiply by a thousand so it sounds like you’re soldiering on when I’m supposed to think you’re dying inside or you perpetually live your life feeling crap. And if the latter is the case, I don’t know how you live like that. I keep trying to hint that maybe you should do some exercise or perhaps eat a little healthier (or god forbid talk to someone about how you’re feeling) in the hope that these changes might effect others but then the next time we’re at the supermarket you want garlic bread, ice cream and beer and whenever the topic of walking to work is raised, you hastily change the topic.
As I think on it now, I recall a conversation we had a couple of months after you had been in hospital. I would constantly worry every time you said you were feeling sick or had a headache and you complained that I didn’t trust you to be well or ok or something like that. I guess I grew out of that…The worrying that is. Its not that I don’t care now though or that I’m not concerned for your wellbeing. I don’t like seeing you feeling bad but theres also a selfish part of me thats kinda tired of hearing that you’re under the weather. There, I admit it. I’m a terrible wife. I have been losing sympathy for your physical ailments because I don’t see you doing much about them apart from complaining and popping pain pills. I want to know where my Happy Husband went because it’d be really nice if he came back for a visit. Or, you know, to stay. Permanently. Provided that you weren’t in-my-face-happy because that would drive me up the wall and I’d have to hurt you. But just plain happy would be nice.
And apart from that, I can’t think of anything else specific that happened this month. You kept trying to spend money. I kept trying not to spend money. We ended up coming out somewhere in the middle and occasionally neither of us felt good about it. We’re going to have to work on that one I think. I hate having to or feeling like I say “no” all the time. Probably as much as you dislike feeling that I have begrudgingly agreed to spend money I obviously wasn’t intending to spend. So if we could get to a point where there was more disposable income and you didn’t need to ask me for cash, that would be awesome. Of course, having a house and a car which both sometimes need funds available to them suddenly gets in the way of the disposable income bit but I’m sure we’ll figure out something. Just as we will figure out how to get back on an even keel.
Yet again, I appear to have summed up a month in which the general feel seems to be negative. I think thats sad as I don’t view the marriage that way at all. Sure, there are things I’d like to improve or change and we perhaps had more downs than ups over the past few weeks but every time that I come home and you’re genuinely happy to see me or when you relax enough to flirt without any real intention other than making me smile, it makes me happy and I’m glad to be there.
Constantly yours,
Your Loving Wife
* Photo taken of the night sky
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