Month Ten

Dear Husband,
I remember a while ago listening to a comedy sketch whereby yet another male comedian was expressing his bemusement over the toileting habits of women. Although not the fact that a trip to the amenities in public often turns into a pack activity (which pretty much serves the prime purpose of being able to talk about someone else behind their back or perhaps ensure that you are not the one talked about). No, this comic was astounded by the fact that he would see his wife head towards to loo at home and then from behind the closed door would hear the seemingly continuous whir-r-r-r-r-r-r of the toilet roll as metres of tissue were drawn off for her alone to use. He was astounded by the fact that that one person could need that much toilet paper for a single trip to the loo. And I was thinking yes, I know just what you mean…my husband does exactly the same thing!
I swear, sometimes I come into the bathroom to see only half the role that was there yesterday and wonder how you actually managed to use quite that much. That is of course when I don’t come in and at the worst possible time find that there is actually no toilet paper left at all. At those times, I am not so much wondering at your tendency to go through our supply so much as swearing at you for irritating the crap out of me. Again. No pun intended. I really don’t think its too much to ask that when you use the last of the role of toilet paper, you replace it. And, when you replace an empty role with the last role in the cupboard, you add that item to the shopping list. Its really not that hard. You don’t want to mess with me over toilet paper I have been to war over this before.
Living in sharehouses, you sometimes end up doing all sorts of things you never expected to do. We were speaking with someone the other day who started spiking their own food that was left in the fridge with tabasco sauce to teach other people to stop pinching it. My issue was never food though. Mine was toilet paper. very time I lived with boys, it would seem to vanish into thin air only to be continually bought and replaced by me. Eventually I started hiding my own personal stash where it wouldn’t be found so I was never caught short. Don’t make me go there. I think I am doing pretty well that I am no longer the cupboard door Nazi. Every time you leave drawers hanging open (like always) or various doors in the kitchen ajar (which is a frequent occurrence), I do not come at you shrieking and wielding a frying pan. I used to want to but I have handily curbed that inclination. I can also deal with the fact that you put empty containers and meal scraps back into the fridge for no apparent reason whatsoever even though it drives me up the wall but I am warning you, stop messing with my toilet paper!
And not that its going to make a damn lick of difference but can you please stop cracking your neck all the time!?! Or at least start warning me that you about to try and release the tension that is building up and causing you pain so I can stick my fingers in my ears or something? I really hate that noise. You know how some people get freaked out by others who can turn their eyelids inside out or who have an attack of the shudders when they hear nails on a chalkboard? You know how you beg me to stop whenever I purposely flare my nostrils at you because you think it is unbelievably gross? Well hearing the series of noises that occur when you crack your neck is like that times a hundred. Times a thousand even. Its such an awful sound to me and it gives me the heebie jeebies. I hate it a lot. Please kindly STOP IT. And when pigs fly, maybe you will stop dumping your dirty clothes on the ensuite floor as well like its some sort of clothes hamper (which its not). That has been bothering me too.
On the plus side however, this month you are employed. Hallelujah! Even though one of your previous bosses was a bit too socially retarded to understand that when one agrees to be a referee, there is a certain expectation there. Like not actually giving a bad reference, even by implication. If he really didn’t think he had anything positive to say he could have found the balls to let you know that in advance or even declined the request to be a contact on your resume. Kind of like one of my previous bosses who after going out of their way to assure me that they would do all they could do to assist me in my search for a new job, managed to give me a verbal reference that left the caller in doubt that they actually remembered who I was at all. After four weeks! But no, we can’t all be socially adept in this world. That would make things too easy and life was never meant to be easy. Easier is what we’re hoping for at the moment…
And I guess this month has been that really, It was a great relief that you found a job and I am crossing my fingers that it all works out. You seem to be happy there at the moment which for you is almost like the contrast between drinking wine out of a tetra pack for the rest of your life and quaffing very expensive liquor that has been aged to perfection. Huge! Every job has its elements that are just hard work or not much fun of course but at the moment we are both happy to get up on Monday mornings and head out for another working week which is pretty massive in my book. And I so hope I have not just jinxed myself! But this does take off a lot of stress at home which is nice. What adds some of that back though is the fact that you still seem to be suffering from more than your fair share of aches and pains. Ones that have needed to be addressed by forms of actual therapy as well as (over the counter) drugs. I hate seeing you sick and not being able to do anything about it but maybe as we slip back into a more comfortable routine and can put renewed effort into nurturing and caring for things rather than merely maintaining them on a base level, other things will start taking care of themselves? Heres hoping.
Other than that, we toyed around with the idea of starting up a part time photography business on the weekends to earn some extra cash. Which seems ironic really cause for the last couple of months you have been almost desperate to start up a personal business and work for yourself and I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn’t want to be responsible for either additional work or risk and was therefore finding it increasingly difficult not to sound like I was slapping down all your ideas. Like the skate park, the putt putt golf range, the wedding chapel, the coffee stand and the bed and breakfast. Its not that I don’t want you to work for yourself but honestly, right now we don’t have any significant capital to invest nor do you really stand a chance in the current economic climate of getting it from the bank. In addition to which, I certainly don’t have the faintest idea how to effectively run any of those businesses and to be frank, I don’t think you do either. Photography on the other hand is something we might actually be able to make a go of together. We are of course sadly lacking in one vital piece of the digital puzzle, ie a computer but the half yearly sales will be on till the end of the financial year so maybe we could pick one up.
Happily Yours,
Your Loving Wife
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