Month One

Dear Husband,
Its not that I mind exactly but I just thought I’d mention that I actually don’t remember signing up for this. I apparently missed the memo that said it may be required of a wife that she get her husband in and out of bed on a regular basis. In a completely non-sexual way. In the 72 hours or so since we got back from the honeymoon, I have felt the need to nudge you awake and out of bed to get to work on time twice now. A task you seemed perfectly capable of performing for yourself not so long ago.
Its true that you have not actually asked me to perform this service as if you had, I would have told you politely to bugger off. My phone alarm clock is set to wake me up with enough time that I might get ready and leave for work on time and on that line of thinking, your mobile alarm clock should be set accordingly for you. The fact that I can now hear your alarm is irrelevant to me so should you ignore it completely, snooze it repeatedly or merely hit stop, just to let you know, I don’t consider it my problem. As such, it would therefore be appreciated if you didn’t jump out of bed swearing and looking at me with exasperation when you eventually get up as if I am the one responsible for making you late for your new job. I am not.
I would also like to volunteer at this time that I can’t really promise that I will always make sure that you don’t spend a number of hours asleep on the couch. Adjusting back to everyday life after a much needed holiday is somewhat tiresome, especially with the remnants of jet-lag and metabolism changes. I was therefore very close last night to just getting into bed and going to sleep after I had finished having a shower and brushing my teeth since I had told you I intended to do same. I ended up coming to say goodnight first however only to find you fast asleep on the couch curled up in a position that I can only assume would become intensely painful after an hour or two. I am glad that I spent the whole minute it took to actually wake you up and get you to move but if you’re that tired, you might want to start thinking of bed yourself. You know, just to make sure you actually get there and I don’t assume you’ll eventually be there.
On other marriage like matters, I would also like it to go on record that although I am happy to help out and pick up the slack where needed, the fact that I ironed your first shirt this morning does not mean I would like to take over this task on a permanent basis. We still have a deal. You iron, I fold. I used to do it for a living and am now more than happy to avoid the task. This is why I deliberately buy clothes that don’t require it or are dry clean only. As you were already running ridiculously late this morning and I had the time to actually come back home to finish getting ready after dropping you off, I decided to do it for you but this will not always be the case. As with the lunch thing.
It has constantly astounded me since we have been together that for someone who enjoys food so much, you show a remarkable lack of forethought into the availability of your coming meals. You seldom make your lunch the night before and often leave yourself short of time in the morning to put something together or even rummage for anything that doesn’t require cutting up first. Since you have been stressed over the beginning of a new job and you endured so many months of pressure whilst planning the entire wedding, I have made sure over the past couple of days that you were able to eat. I actually prepared your lunch last night. Extremely domesticated I know. I am not necessarily planning to do this for every work day in the future however so you might not want to have blind faith from this day forward that like Mary Poppins’ carpet bag, every time you open the fridge you will be able to pull just what you want out of it (ie. a packed lunch).
So I know this all sounds like I am fiercely trying to cling to my independence now that we’re actually married but you have to admit, it is a little unnerving how “married” we became in like no time at all. Its like a switch got flipped once we arrived back home and the time we lived together as housemates rather than a married couple is but a long forgotten memory. Its not that I begrudge you any of this but I would like to think that we are still finding our rhythm and tomorrow morning I won’t have to kick you out of bed to get you up.
Sincerely,
Your loving wife
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